My sixth grade daughter has a terrible habit of saying "I didn't try to do this or that", especially when it comes to her fourth grade sister.
"Mom, I didn't mean to hit her. I didn't try to make her upset. I wasn't planning on making her cry. . . "
Thanks to these continuous comments, we had a chat. Okay, in all reality, it was one of those mom and daughter fights where I yell, she cries, and then, we repeat for a while until we get all our emotions out, hug it out, and then, move on until the next time. More specifically, for my daughter Haidyn this includes her venting on everything she has been upset about for the past month. In this turmoil, I finally realized that I needed her to change her conversation with me. Instead of saying, "I'm not trying to, Mom." I needed her to say, "I'm trying." This would mean she is trying the best she can to not yell, hurt feelings, or hit, but since human emotions are involved and possibly developing hormones, she would still have moments when all the emotions and anger would come out. Nevertheless, it would indicate to me that I need to realize she is "trying".
Furthermore, I kept thinking about "I'm trying."
I have heard from others in the education field say that students are not trying. As I reflected, I thought, what if they are trying? What if they are doing their very best, and it is nowhere at the expectation of that teacher, or parent, or friend? In all actuality, I setup my own family for failure, as my expectations are at a level that is very likely unattainable. What if these students, or our husbands/wives, or our kids are trying as hard as they can for that day and that time? We all have those days that even as we give our best effort, we know it isn't our usual best, but we are trying.
I realize that the counterargument to this is that what if they are just saying they are trying, and they really aren't. I get it. Sometimes, there are other factors, and they truly are not giving their best effort.
However, what if you give that person the benefit of the doubt? Just once or twice. You say, "I know you are trying. I know this is tough. I know this is harder than you thought it would be. You can do it. You can get through it. Keep trying. Keep going."
What then?
What if trying does count? What if through that encouragement the trying made them try a little more than usual, and they reached your expectation? Or what if you realized that a little mercy goes a long way?
Since the argument with Haidyn, another new argument has taken its toll again. In that argument, she said what I asked her to change to. "I'm trying." It made me take a breath, pause, and think. She is trying the best she can for an 11 year old. She is just going to have to be enough for now. I have to realize that is all she can give. She is "trying".
The next time someone says, "I'm trying". Take a moment to pause, and ask yourself: How can you help him or her in this moment? Or, the next time you say, "I'm trying", what do you need from someone? How can we support each other because every day all of us are "trying" the best we can to make it through our life's journey.
