March 29: Expectations in Loss

Journeying to Branson with the instructional coaches today brought up some discussion about visitations and death. I told them they had inspired by blog topic.  Many people today do not know what the manners and traditions are when it comes to death. Maybe they do know, and they don't want to do them. Maybe they are like my husband who has barely lost anyone, and there are no traditions on one side other than gathering as a family for a meal to reminisce of the loved one.

However, I think that when someone has a death in the family, and you are a friend to this person, then, you take food and supplies to help the family out for meals. Many times their families visit, and instead of worrying about hosting, you are provided for during that time. In addition, I think a heartfelt card is also a requirement. I have actually appreciated that many people have set aside the flower money and gone to giving money to services or organizations. Giving something to that organization or flower fund (as flowers do seem to be important still today) is also necessary. I have even gone as far as providing a gift for the person to remember that loved one when they see this gift.
Lastly, I believe a visitation helps the grieving family and sometimes the friends and family, as it is usually held not during work. The funeral itself it really a grieving process for the closest members, in my opinion.

How do I know all of this or why do I think about it? Unfortunately, I have had many deaths in my family. Three parents just to start off. I remember distinctly that my friend Amy and her family traveled over an hour to come to my father's funeral. It meant so much to me. I remember that my friend Andra gave me a bear gift at my house when she visited after my stepdad passed away, and at that funeral, I would have loved for my friend Cody to have sat next to me. He appreciated my stepdad more than my older siblings. We had a visitation for my mom in Enid, where really this was to support my sister who lived there, as my mom didn't really have friends there. Her friends fed our entire big family for 4 days. There was so much food. My favorite thing that we did that I would recommend to anyone who has to endure this painful life event was that after we thanked everyone after the funeral, my siblings returned inside to my mom's casket. We sat and finished our grieving, and then, we held hands, and we prayed. It helped restore me. It has stuck with me. It made a difference. Another thing that made a difference when my mom passed away were the cards. I had two students who wrote me cards that were filled with love and encouragement. I have never forgotten their names or the kindness that went into that. I have returned to those cards or messages on Facebook even. Being supported during that time is a key to healing.

If you have a friend or colleague or family member that must endure this, please remember that doing something extra is just what one should do. I don't think you have to do it all, but something that you believe would help is exactly what you should do. Think about yourself in that situation and what you would want or need. That person will surely appreciate the thoughtfulness you have put forth.