March 5: Reflective Yet Hopeful

A piece of me that maybe you have noticed is that I have two sides. As a Gemini, the Twins, I have my happy-go-lucky, extroverted, fun-having, laughing and dancing side, and then, I have a think-to-myself, introverted, serious-taking, crying and sappy side. 

When I teach, I perform. It is my upbeat side most definitely, as at the end of the year, most students would write on my evaluation that they would remember that when they walked into my room, I was smiling. I am so enthusiastic about what we have to learn that I can't hold back. In fact, I love a good anticipatory set, where we truly get geared up for what we are learning. I would tell my students on pretest day that I am thrilled that they know nothing, so I can teach them more! Other good days in the classroom are stations day, or days where we created. When I taught at the front of the room, it would include motions, songs, and laughter.

When you see me interact with my own children through playtime, I am the upbeat side as well, equipped with KidSnippet voices, dance moves, and game-playing strategies from board games to Barbies.

However, when I became an instructional coach, I did not have the same confidence as I did as a 15 year veteran teacher. I have learned to listen more than talk, and I am constantly thinking about our topics of conversation, growth, change, progress. I know that I need to observe more than act as I build relationships and see where others are at in their journey. This requires lots of thinking and collecting pieces of evidence, so I know how to approach others and where we can change our paths.

When the lights go out at my house, I quieten down. It is my time to reflect, to sometimes self loathe, to debrief on life. This may come in the form of binge-watching Grey's Anatomy and processing through their tragedies, or this may mean lying awake and rethinking a recent conversation that I have had. I may make goals that I never tell anyone, or I may reminisce on my past memories. As sad as it sounds, this is when I mourn losses, like my parents and even friendships. This is my time for my downbeat side.

As Morrie says in Tuesdays with Morrie, “I give myself a good cry if I need it. But then I concentrate on the good things still in my life. I don't allow myself any more self-pity than that. A little each every morning, a few tears, and that's all.”

I take a little time each week for my downbeat side, and I hope to display my upbeat side the rest of the time. Interestingly enough, my downbeat side brings more personal growth. Maybe I need to rename my two sides . . . Not joy and sadness, like the Inside Out characters. What about reflective and hopeful? Yes, I think that fits.